BOAT JOKES (we need a few laughs)

[alan white]

Thailand makes cars? Really?
I'd go into that topic with you, Frosty, but I gotta get out to the rice paddy and get to work. The brothel isn't my only source of income, you know!

[Bergalia]

Originally Posted by alan white

...The brothel isn't my only source of income, you know!

Yes, your absence was noticed on Thursday...and that nice Mr Clinton especially asked for you.....

[Bergalia]

The admiral entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table.
The admiral was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"
The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."
The admiral ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he said, "Forgive the indelicacy, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"
The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."
"Now wait a minute," said the admiral intrigued by this, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"
"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

[timgoz]

Of course this resturant was aboard a ship, right?

Good one Max.

Tim

[safewalrus]

Arh! a pattern is emerging PI talks about efficiency experts in Devonport Royal Dockyard (FOUR MINUTES IN ONE DAY! sack that man he's too keen) then bergalia talks about admirals in restaurants (admirals are something to do with royal dockyards are they not?) PI will be telling us he is one next!! PI what you know about "nine dock - D 154?" you designed it - figures!

[Poida]

The Admiral only got his qualification so he could be in a boat joke.
Poida

[Frosty]

Originally Posted by alan white

Thailand makes cars? Really?
I'd go into that topic with you, Frosty, but I gotta get out to the rice paddy and get to work. The brothel isn't my only source of income, you know!

Mitsubishi ,Honda and more are made here in the massive industrial area near here and in Rayong.

You see you really have got the wrong idea. The new Mitsubishi Triton pick up truck is 20,000 us dollar in 2 wheel drive automatic.

Any way I give up ---Yes I live in a village with a goat. The Un are putting a new well in next week and they will vaccinate my elephant for me.

You live in the best place --really-- America, roads and street lights, fast Internet conection, supermarkets. Wow it must be lovely for you.

[artemis]

Originally Posted by Bergalia

Yes, your absence was noticed on Thursday...and that nice Mr Clinton especially asked for you.....

No, no Bergalia. It's the Bush family that has their summer home in ME (Maine).

[Frosty]

ME Maine.????

Hey is Oregon where they have ****** and they all interbreed with there own family and children.

I heard that you can buy birthday cards that say "Happy birthday uncle daddy".

[alan white]

Originally Posted by Bergalia

The admiral entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table.
The admiral was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"
The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."
The admiral ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he said, "Forgive the indelicacy, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"
The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."
"Now wait a minute," said the admiral intrigued by this, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"
"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

That's a classic. Congratulations. Did you buy a boat joke book or something?

Hey--- I've got one. A guy is crossing the Mojave desert in a refrigerated truck with a load of arctic penguins in back, and his engine overheats. An admiral happens to come upon him on the roadside and asks if he can lend some assistence. Realizing that the truck is warming up dangerously, the truck driver asks him if he would take the penguins to the San Diego zoo. He offer the admiral one hundred dollars as incentive.
The admiral obliges, loading seventeen penguins into the back seat of his air-conditioned Cadillac.
Later that day, a tow truck has delivered the refrigerated truck to a garage in downtown San Diego. Having little to do but see the sights while the truck is being fixed, the truck driver takes a stroll.
Upon rounding a corner, he is amazed to see the admiral leading a group of penguins up to the ticket counter of a movie theatre. he rushes up and confronts the admiral.
"I thought we had an understanding that you would be taking those penguins to the zoo!", he complained.
The admiral seemed confused. "But I DID take them to the zoo", he responded, "But I had most of the money left afterwards, so I thought, what the heck, I'll take them to see a movie!"

[alan white]

Originally Posted by Frosty

ME Maine.????

Hey is Oregon where they have ****** and they all interbreed with there own family and children.

I heard that you can buy birthday cards that say "Happy birthday uncle daddy".

Arkansas. That's how Clinton got off his charges of misconduct with the intern, Monica Lewinski. The FBI tested "samples" on the jacket Monica said he was wearing that day.
The detectives couldn't make a positive DNA match to Clinton. He's from Arkansas, where, as everyone knows, everybody's got the same DNA.

[Poida]

That bloody admiral gets around because he was driving through the centre of Australia, nothing but dessert all around when he broke down.

Luckily he was an admiral and could be featured in a boat joke thread and also felt he had a good sence of direction and started walking in the direction of the next town.

Soon he was lost.

After a day of staggering on he saw an aboriginal. "Water, water," said the Admiral. "Do you have any water?"

"No water," replied the aboriginal, "got some ties, look some greta school ties, one 'ere from Christian Brother's College, 'ere's one from "Scotch College."

"Just want water," croaked the Admiral.

"Nah sorry, can't 'elp yer mate." replied the aboriginal and walked off.

A day later the Admiral was crawling slowly muutering to himself when he came across another aboriginal.

"Water," he whispered. "water."

"Sorry mate, got no water, got some beaut ties, look 'ere, silk tie she's loverly, cotton one 'ere with a tartan pattern, and yeah this one cobber's a nylon drip dry non-iron one."

"Don't want a bloody tie, I want water, water." the Admiral couldn't vent his anger as his voice was nearly gone.

"Water? nah sorry, don't carry the stuff," the aborigainal said as he walked away.

On the third day the Admiral was dragging himself through the hot sand. His clothes were torn and stained and he was near death.

Suddenly he found another aboriginal, but unable to talk he just pointed at his parched mouth.

'What yer want? a drink, bit of water maybe, no luck 'ere mate,but I tell yer wot, 'ow about a tie? Cop this, a bow tie and look, this one 'eres got polka dots and this beauty a maverick tie used be popular in the sixties, bloody rare to pick one up these days."

The Admiral just kept pointing to his mouth in shock as the aboriginal walked off leaving him there to die.

The Admiral was made of what makes Britain, what it is today, so he kept on dragging himself through the burning sand.

Suddenly he saw a building, was it a mirage?

No as he dragged himself closer and closer he realised it was a hotel.

Saved at last.

The Admiral dragged himself up the stone steps, the edges of the steps tearing his flesh away as he went, but he didn't care he was saved.

With what little strength he had, he knocked on the door, knocking and knocking until he could see the doorman approach.

After the door opened he mustered every last bit of strength that he had and rasped, "w...a...t...e...r."

As the doorman slammed the door in his face he said, "Sorry Sir, you can't come in here without a tie."

[safewalrus]

Sure you didn't get that one of Frosty? it's a Thai joke

[Frosty]

Ide love to hear a Cornish joke if you could tell one. The punctuation is a bit difficult, Oh and it supposed to be funny.

Na never mind walrus just get the beer.

[alan white]

Originally Posted by Poida

That bloody admiral gets around because he was driving through the centre of Australia, nothing but dessert all around when he broke down.

Luckily he was an admiral and could be featured in a boat joke thread and also felt he had a good sence of direction and started walking in the direction of the next town.

Soon he was lost.

After a day of staggering on he saw an aboriginal. "Water, water," said the Admiral. "Do you have any water?"

"No water," replied the aboriginal, "got some ties, look some greta school ties, one 'ere from Christian Brother's College, 'ere's one from "Scotch College."

"Just want water," croaked the Admiral.

"Nah sorry, can't 'elp yer mate." replied the aboriginal and walked off.

A day later the Admiral was crawling slowly muutering to himself when he came across another aboriginal.

"Water," he whispered. "water."

"Sorry mate, got no water, got some beaut ties, look 'ere, silk tie she's loverly, cotton one 'ere with a tartan pattern, and yeah this one cobber's a nylon drip dry non-iron one."

"Don't want a bloody tie, I want water, water." the Admiral couldn't vent his anger as his voice was nearly gone.

"Water? nah sorry, don't carry the stuff," the aborigainal said as he walked away.

On the third day the Admiral was dragging himself through the hot sand. His clothes were torn and stained and he was near death.

Suddenly he found another aboriginal, but unable to talk he just pointed at his parched mouth.

'What yer want? a drink, bit of water maybe, no luck 'ere mate,but I tell yer wot, 'ow about a tie? Cop this, a bow tie and look, this one 'eres got polka dots and this beauty a maverick tie used be popular in the sixties, bloody rare to pick one up these days."

The Admiral just kept pointing to his mouth in shock as the aboriginal walked off leaving him there to die.

The Admiral was made of what makes Britain, what it is today, so he kept on dragging himself through the burning sand.

Suddenly he saw a building, was it a mirage?

No as he dragged himself closer and closer he realised it was a hotel.

Saved at last.

The Admiral dragged himself up the stone steps, the edges of the steps tearing his flesh away as he went, but he didn't care he was saved.

With what little strength he had, he knocked on the door, knocking and knocking until he could see the doorman approach.

After the door opened he mustered every last bit of strength that he had and rasped, "w...a...t...e...r."

As the doorman slammed the door in his face he said, "Sorry Sir, you can't come in here without a tie."

Very funny Poida. Considering my dad died while he was visiting a relative whose neighbor was wearing a tie.