Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods, all of a sudden
one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened
very closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he tore
off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all
about. "Was he crazy or what?"

"No" said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season when
Indian men see cave, they holler "Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo!" into the opening. If
they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."

Just then they saw another cave. The second Indian ran up to the
opening of the cave, stopped and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from
deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then
he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of
the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this
cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big,
fine women in this cave!"

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and
then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!"

With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the
cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the Arkansas Gazette Newspaper
read...

"NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN"

 

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists: a Yale
Ph.D candidate and a redneck from Alabama. They were given a word, then
allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word.
>The word they were given was "Timbuktu."

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the mike and said:
"Slowly 'cross the desert sand,
Trekk'd a lonely caravan.
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination: Timbuktu."
>
The crowd went crazy. No way the redneck could top that, they thought.
However, the redneck calmly took his place on the stage and recited:

"Me and Tim
A-huntin' went,
Met three whores
In a pop-up tent.
Now, They was three,
And we was two,
So I bucked one,
And Timbuktu."
>
>The redneck won hands-down

 

A Scotsman named MacGregor went to his doctor after a long
illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked
MacGregor in the eye, and said, "Ah hae some bad news fore ye. Ye hae'
cancer, and it can'nae be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month to live."
MacGregor was shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid
character. He managed to compose himself and walk from the
doctor's office into the waiting room.
There, he saw his son who had been waiting.
MacGregor said, "Well son, we Scots celebrate when things are good, and
we celebrate when things are nae so good. In this case, things are nae so
well. I've got th' cancer, an ah been given a shorrt time to live. Let's head for
the pub, and have a few drams."

After 3 or 4 pints, and a few drams, the two were feeling a
little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers.
They were eventually approached by some of MacGregors' old
friends who asked what the two were celebrating.
MacGregor told them that the Scots celebrate the good and the
bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending
end.
He told his friends, "I've only a wee time to live, as I have been
diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave MacGregor their condolences, and they had a
few more pints. After his friends left, MacGregors' son leaned over and
whispered his confusion: "Da, I raeconed you said that you were dying
from cancer??? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"

MacGregor said, "Aye! I am dying of cancer, lad. But I dont want
the lot of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

 

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Mr.Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Mr. Smith asked: "What is the usual tip?"
"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great." "Is that so?" snorted Mr. Smith. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."
"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."
"What are you studying in school?" asked Larry.
The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."

 

100%

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder
about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all

been
to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about
achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far *** kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and
Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the
******** and *** kissing that will put you over the top.

 

Somebody sure is celebrating his glassed beams tonight, isn't he?

 

A Scotsman was visiting a friend in the North Woods of Canada, both liked to hunt. They were hunting for deer when all of a sudden a moose popped up in front of them. It was so unexpected, neither of them had a chance to fire.
The Scotsman was shaken. "Hoot mon, wit in blazes was that?!"
"That was a moose," the Canadian replied.
"What are ye saying, lad? A moose? Good Lord, I'd hate to see yer rats!"

 

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.
They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.
When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him."
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"
The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself.

 

My son came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

 

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now She's hitting the bottle."

 

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

 

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4- year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

 

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his Father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn .. and into the hole he gooooes."

 

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear.

 

What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

People take off their shoes before they jump on the trampoline.