Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime. They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.
As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, "Gee she's fat!"
The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet.
A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her butt is this wide!"
The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy.
The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line.
Just then her pager begin to emit a beep, beep, beep.
The little boy yells out, "Run, she's backing up!!"

 

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute...."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, Dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club.... (takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad. The girl, crying again, replied "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"

 

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard! "

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl.

"My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "FCUK OFF", the rottweiler bit him!"

 

A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and
talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your
farm." The old farmer said "OK, but don't go in that field right over
yonder."

The Agriculture representative said, "Mr. I have the authority of the
U. S. Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed
to go WHEREVER I wish on any agricultural land....
no questions asked or answered. Do you understand?"

The farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores. Later, he
heard loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture Rep running
for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull.
The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets. The bull was gaining
on the Rep at every step.


The Old farmer called out, "Show him your card!! Show him your card!!"

 

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in her favour, as Jane had a gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question.

Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answer might be! You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow." "Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK."

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon."

After an agonising three hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!" "What is it?" she cried excitedly. "OK. The question is: What are the three main parts of the male anatomy? And the answer is: The head, the heart, and the *****."

The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber. At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the *****," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.

And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show.

Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies in her stomach.

The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Jane and asked the big question: "Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy?

You have 10 seconds." "Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. Six seconds."
"Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds." "I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS - YOU WIN!!"

 

A distinguished young woman on a flight from
Switzerland asked the Priest beside her,
"Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an
expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's
birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs
limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it."

"Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me?
Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I
must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one
will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead
of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have
anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing
to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And
what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on
a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead,
Father." Next

 

This woman tries to login, and somehow got the password wrong.
So there is a message saying "remember your password is case sensitive".

So she puts in "case sensitive" as the password.

It still won't work !

 

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady
turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?" The other replies, "Oh sure I
do." The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" The second old
lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver." After a few moments, the first old
lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"


A little old man shuffled slowly into the "Orange Dipper," an ice cream
parlor in Decatur, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked
kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "arthritis."

 

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just
bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
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"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never
encountered automatic weapons." - General Macarthur
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"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
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"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."
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"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F.
Crickmore (test pilot)
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"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
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"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have
enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
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"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying
club."
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"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... The pilot
dies."
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"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
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"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full
power to taxi to the terminal."
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As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having
torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck
arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?".
The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" -
Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)W

 

Two rednecks are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Mel says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

 

The 8th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human
body part increases to 7 times it's normal size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not
be asking 8th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents,
and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her
and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 7 times it
normal size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy,
is she gonna get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Kevin stood up, looked around nervoulsy, and said, "The body
part that increases 7 times it's size when stimulated is the pupil of the
eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Kevin." She then turned to Mary and
continueded, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

1. you have a dirty mind
2. you didn't read your homework assignment; and
3. one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed.

 

A pompous minister was seated next to a hillbilly on a flight across the
country. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The
hillbilly asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before
him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely ***** by brazen whores than
let liquor touch these lips."
The hillbilly then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said,
"****, me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

 

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his
sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted
the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his
breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he
walked up to her "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll
inherit 20 million dollars." Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and,

three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much smarter than men...

 

An Australian, a New Zealander and a South African are in a bar one
night having a beer.

All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in
the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

"In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink
from the same one twice," he says.

The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws
his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

"Wull mate, in Niw Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses
that we don't need to drink out the same glass either," he says.

The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it,
throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South
African and the Kiwi.

He turns to the astonished barman and says, "In Australia we have so
many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink
with the same ones twice."

True... true...

 

Politically Correct


Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,

Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to

as "HILLBILLIES."

You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.



And furthermore..

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY

INCONVENIENCED."

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."



HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."

7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ***" - He develops a case of

"RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR AVAGE"