BOAT JOKES (we need a few laughs)

[Fanie]

Wilbur Smith talking about the past. - A factual account

The plight of the Black Rhinoceros is, or course, due mostly to the value of
its horn and the ferocious poaching that this engenders. However, a
contributory factor to the declining rhino population is the animals
disorganized mating habits.

It seems that the female rhino only becomes receptive to the male's
attentions every three years or so, while the male only becomes interested
in her at the same intervals. A condition known quite appropriately as
"Must" The problem is one of synchronization, for their amorous
inclinations do not always coincide.

In the early Sixties, I was invited, along with a host of journalists and
other luminaries, to be present at an attempt by the Rhodesian Game and
Tsetse Department to solve this problem of poor timing.

The idea was to capture a male rhino and induce him to deliver up that which
could be stored until that day in the distant future when his mate's fancy
turned lightly to thoughts of love.

We departed from the Zambezi Valley in an impressive convoy of trucks and
Landrovers, counting in our midst none other than the Director of the game
department in person, together with his minions, a veterinary surgeon, an
electrician and sundry other technicians, all deemed necessary to make the
harvest.

The local game scouts had been sent out to scout the bush for the largest,
most virile rhino they could find. They had done their job to perfection
and led us to a beast at least the size of a small granite koppie with a
horn on his nose considerably longer than my arm.

The trick was to get this monster into a robust mobile pen which had been
constructed to accommodate him.

With the Director of the Game Department shouting frantic orders from the
safety of the largest truck, the pursuit was on. The tumult and the
shouting were apocalyptic. Clouds of dust flew in all directions, trees,
and vegetation were destroyed, game scouts scattered like chaff, but finally
the Rhino had about a litre of narcotics shot into his rump and his mood
became dreamy and benign.

With forty black game guards heaving and shoving, and the Director still
shouting orders from the truck, the rhino was wedged into his cage, and
stood there with a happy grin on his face.

At this stage, the Director deemed it safe to emerge from the cab of his
truck and he came amongst us resplendent in starched and immaculately ironed
bush jacket with a colourful silk scarf at this throat. With an imperial
gesture, he ordered the portable electric generator to be brought forward
and positioned behind the captured animal. This was a machine which was
capable of lighting up a small city, and it was equipped with two wheels
that made it resemble a roman chariot.

The Director climbed up on the generator to better address us. We gathered
around attentively while he explained what was to happen next.

It seemed that the only way to get what we had come for was to introduce an
electrode into the rhino's rear end, and to deliver a mild electric shock,
no more than a few volts, which would be enough to pull his trigger for him.

The Director gave another order and the veterinary surgeon greased something
that looked like an acoustic torpedo and which was attached to the generator
with sturdy insulated wires. He then went up behind the somnolent beast
and thrust it up him to a full arms length, at which the Rhino opened his
eyes very wide indeed.

The veterinary and his two black assistants now moved into position with a
large bucket and assumed expectant expressions. We, the audience, crowded
closer so as not to miss a single detail of the drama. The Director still
mounted on the generator trailer, nodded to the electrician who threw the
switch and chaos reigned. In the subsequent departmental enquiry the blame
was placed squarely on the shoulders of the electrician. It seems that in
the heat of the moment his wits had deserted him and instead of connecting
up his apparatus to deliver a gentle 5 volts, he had crossed his wires and
the Rhino received a full 500 volts up his rear end.

His reaction was spectacular. Four tons of rhinoceros shot six feet straight
up in the air. The cage, made of great timber baulks, exploded into its
separate pieces and the rhinoceros now very much awake, took off at a
gallop.

We, the audience, were no less sprightly. We took to the trees with alacrity.
This was the only occasion on which I have ever been passed by two
journalists half way up a Mopane tree.

From the top branches we beheld an amazing sight, for the chariot was still
connected to the Rhinoceros per rectum, and the director of the game
department was still mounted upon it, very much like Ben Hur, the
charioteer.

As they disappeared from view, the rhinoceros was snorting and blowing like
a steam locomotive and the Director was clinging to the front rail of his
chariot and howling like the north wind which only encouraged the beast to
greater speed.

The story has a happy ending for the following day after the director had
returned hurriedly to his office in Salisbury, another male Rhinoceros was
captured and caged and this time the electrician got his wiring right.

I can still see the Rhinoceros's expression of surprised gratification as
the switch was thrown. You could almost hear him think to himself. "Oh
Boy! I didn't think this was going to happen to me for at least another
three years".

[Bamby]

IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not." Four is larger than two.."

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "you gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said “We’re sorry but they could not do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back$1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.



IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

From Kingman , KS .




IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Kansas City




IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.




IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS






IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.





IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.






IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it’s open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side."

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi




STAY ALERT!

They walk among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE and
they REPRODUCE

[RHP]

I was meeting a friend in a bar, and as I went in, I noticed two pretty girls looking at me. "Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed. Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten. "I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "but when I walked in, they were speaking German."

I see Boomerangs are making a comeback.

The other day I bought myself some sensible walking boots and a little rucksack, and I went up to the lake district. I walked for about five miles then I stopped and sat on a stone wall and had a flask of coffee. Then I walked another five miles and stopped and had another flask........f ** king hell, I'm rambling.

I was at Tesco this afternoon, when a lady dropped dead in front of me, I felt really sorry for her - she had just bought a Bag for Life.

Teacher says to little Tommy 'Why weren't you at school yesterday?' Tommy says 'My grandfather got burnt.' Teacher says 'Badly?' Little Tommy says ' Yes, they don't muck about at the crematorium

I saw Jonathon Ross in a department store last week.
He was acting suspiciously, looking at the kitchen utensils so I walked up to him and said 'You'll probably get caught if you steal anything.'
He replied 'Well, that's the whisk I'm willing to take'

I went into a shop and I said: "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said: "Kenwood" I said: "Where is he then?"

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him: "I'm frightened of lapels." He said: "You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, 'The History Of Glue'. I couldn't put it down.

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says: "Audi!"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said: "Eurostar". I said: "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Steve McQueen."

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said: "How flexible are you?" I said: "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

[Fanie]

So RHP, 'nine' is the same as 'zero' in German, ja ?

Here's how to count to 10n
1ne
t2o
thr3e
4our
fi5e
si6e
s7ven
8ihgt
n9ne
10n

Originally Posted by Fanie

So RHP, 'nine' is the same as 'zero' in German, ja ?

No Fanie, nine is nein and that is no......

But of course if you score one nein out of ten, you are a bit above average. Some claim to score higher, but that is, hmm well, the proof is only in the tongue, quite often.............

[Fanie]

Traf ich einen Freund in einer Bar, und als ich ging, sah ich zwei hübsche Mädchen sah mich an. "Neun", hörte ich ein Flüstern, als ich vorbeiging. Feeling mit mir zufrieden, stolzierte ich über meinen Kumpel und sagte ihm, ein Mädchen hatte nur bewertet mir ein neun von zehn. "Ich möchte nicht, um es für euch zu verderben", sagte er, "aber wenn ich eintrat, waren sie Deutsch sprechen."

Sie können sehen, neun ist dasselbe wie Null auf Deutsch


Ist Ihr Standort wirklich Hamburger ???

Originally Posted by Fanie

Traf ich einen Freund in einer Bar, und als ich ging, sah ich zwei hübsche Mädchen sah mich an. "Neun", hörte ich ein Flüstern, als ich vorbeiging. Feeling mit mir zufrieden, stolzierte ich über meinen Kumpel und sagte ihm, ein Mädchen hatte nur bewertet mir ein neun von zehn. "Ich möchte nicht, um es für euch zu verderben", sagte er, "aber wenn ich eintrat, waren sie Deutsch sprechen."

Sie können sehen, neun ist dasselbe wie Null auf Deutsch


Ist Ihr Standort wirklich Hamburger ???

No no my friend,that was not German! That was one of the crappy machine translations.
Nein ist NO.

Yes my Homeport is Hamburg in Germany. Although my House is in Flensburg, Germany.

Grüße
Richard

btw.... you neither have the Ü nor the ß or Ä,ö, € on your computer............

[Fanie]

Yes well ok, I cannot be perfect in everything I do

I googled Flensburg, looks like a neat place. At least you're close to the water.

I think I must have an english keyboard

[masalai]

Here is the joke, if the top alpha line is "QWERTY" etc., then it is an American one, I think it used to be ABCDE etc but the lady stenographers were getting too proficient and the strikers were forever jaming, (in the days of the manual typewriter), so a mathematician reset the key placement to slow the ladies down and reduce the striker jaming incidents - thereby making the lady stenographers more efficient - - There is also the "DVORAK" layout and other layouts are available too...

[Small Wally]

Originally Posted by masalai

Here is the joke, if the top alpha line is "QWERTY" etc., then it is an American one, I think it used to be ABCDE etc but the lady stenographers were getting too proficient and the strikers were forever jaming, (in the days of the manual typewriter), so a mathematician reset the key placement to slow the ladies down and reduce the striker jaming incidents - thereby making the lady stenographers more efficient - - There is also the "DVORAK" layout and other layouts are available too...

A Teaser - what is the longest English word that can be typed using only the top row of a QWERTY keyboard?

Answer tomorrow. Or maybe the day after...

[masalai]

The name of a little Welsh town "L...GOHGOHGOH" of something, around 27 letters - the sign is almost longer than the railway station platform

[Small Wally]

Typewriter

(The name of that Welsh town isn't English, and anyway it starts with an 'L'. Nice try though.)

[hoytedow]

A penguin walked into a bar.
The bartender asked him what he needs.
The penguin asked if the bartender has seen his brother.
So the bartender asked him what his brother looked like.

[Bamby]

"Robot Bartender"

Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini." The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "168". The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini". Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini", and the robot brings him another great martini. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50." The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?"

[hoytedow]

thayut thayur ius a hoot!