BOAT JOKES (we need a few laughs)

[Fanie]

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

Yup, that's us. I know a guy when I see him



An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment.

They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too.

[David Valle]

BULLFROGS & BLOW JOBS

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.

After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.



She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.
'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been
trained to give blow jobs!'
'Blow jobs!' the woman replied.
'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true....no
more blow jobs for her!
She bought the frog.
When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extrem e ly
skeptical and laughed it off! .
The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this
less than riveting act again.
In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans
flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran
downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading
co okbooks.
'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.
The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook.......you're gone..'

[Bamby]

Baptizing A Drunk

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.'

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end, so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds. When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
'Are you sure this is where he fell in??!!'

20 years with my wife

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes I do." she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes I remember."

"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"

"Yes I do", she replied.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten out today."

[Fanie]

A TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

[Landlubber]

I though that you may have been hit by a truck whilst sitting in the middle of the road licking your dick, that is what I once said anyhow....we certainly do have some fun with the customers eh.

[Fanie]

The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from and old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

A bachelor is a man who never makes the same mistake once

I haven't been to church for so long they owe me two breads and seven liters of wine.

Police Station toilet stolen: cops have nothing to go on.

99 percent of lawyers and bankers give the rest a bad name.

Those of you who believe in telekinesis raise my hand.

Energizer Bunny Arrested; charged with battery.

[Fanie]

Swine flue is not so bad. At least it is something I can give my creditors when they come by.

[RHP]

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs
and make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'


'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you
on your new alligator shoes
and you're barefoot.


'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy
and your pacemaker opens the garage door,

'OLD' IS WHEN....
Going braless
pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action'
means you don't need to take any fibre today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car
in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up
to use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure these are jokes

[masalai]

Oh **** were they jokes? - anyway, I sent some points of appreciation

[RHP]

Mr Mas......... I had you in mind when I posted.... hope you are well buddy and I tried to brighten up your day with points but I got the usual message....

[masalai]

So what is your take on global economics? - do you sort of follow what is posted http://www.boatdesign.net/forums/ope...tml#post287717 - the good stuff (not big media ********) is all over the place, but mostly bad and how the hell is it not seen for what it is BAD...? I am OK, just pissed at gross manipulation of international exchange rates, WTF else can you expect from the was once great........? Build is going smoothly and I am well, - click in the link in my signature area of every post...\!/

[Fanie]

So what is your take on global economics?

Ha ha ha, now that is a good one. I doubt there is any left for the taking

[Boatpride]

Here's one I heard recently.................

A landlubber asks a seasoned old salt

"What's sailing like?"

The seasoned old salt replies:

"Well, it's very much like prison, but with a risk of downing!"

[Eric Sponberg]

When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital (or in present tense, to comment on the new health care package in Congress), the Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists
preferred no rash moves.

The Psychiatrists thought it was madness; the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing, and the Radiologists could see right through
it!

The Gastro-enterologists had a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists
thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians stated
they were laboring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists
yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Grow up!"

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, but the Plastic
Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the
scheme wouldn't hold water.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the
Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

And in the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some ******* who
didn't give a crap.