BOAT JOKES (we need a few laughs)

[Fanie]

“BOAT FOR SALE”

Thibodaux marches up to Beaudreaux’s front porch and wraps hard on the
door and Beaudreaux opens it.

Thibodaux say, “Beaudreaux ! How long we ban frands ?”

Beaudreaux say, “Well………All our lives Thibodeaux”

Thibodaux say, “Why don’t you told me you gotta boat?”

Beaudreaux say, “I ant gotta boat !”

Thibodaux say, “Da’ sign say; “BOAT FOR SALE”.

Beaudreaux say, ” OH-NO Thibodaux !” ….See dat old ‘72 ford
pickem’up truck over-dare”

Thibodaux say, “yas, I see dat old pickem’up truck”

Beaudreaux say, “See dat ‘76 Cheverloet Ce-dan”

Thibodaux say, “yas, I see dat Ce-dan”

Beaudreaux say, “Well, dey boat for sale

[westlawn5554X]

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE





(1) Fine

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you

need to shut up.



(2) Five Minutes

If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Five minutes is only five

minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game

before helping around the house.



(3) Nothing

This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should

be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in Fine.



(4) Go Ahead

This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!



(5) Loud Sigh

This is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh

means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer to # 3 for the meaning of Nothing.)



(6) That's Okay

This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man.

That's Okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.



(7) Thanks

A woman is thanking you. Do not question, or faint. Just say You're

Welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says

'Thanks a lot.' That is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all.

DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. That will bring on a Whatever).



(8)Whatever

Is a woman's way of saying F--- YOU!



(9)Don't worry about it, I got it

Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has

told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later

result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response, refer to

# 3.





"Handle every stressful situation like a dog. If you can't eat it or hump it, pee on it and walk away."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

1.Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," David says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock.
"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride.
"David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines shoot him."
2.A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
3.Things not to say on your Valentine's date...
1. I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
2. People say I remind them of Eddie Haskell.
3. I used to come here all the time with my ex.
4. I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it.
5. Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.
6. I like clay. It's mushy.
7. I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.
8. And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.
9. I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask.
10. It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.
4. Don't tell your partner about that perfect present you almost bought.
Don't give the same Valentine card you gave your partner last year.
Don't buy the wrong size/brand of anything.
Don’t forget to wear clean underwear.
Don't tell your date you forgot your wallet again.
Don't leave your date alone with your parents, flatmates or pet.
Don't buy your partner household appliances for Valentine's Day.
Don't wipe your nose on your sleeve.
Don't give your partner an engagement ring that was meant for someone else!
Don’t club baby fur seals.
5.
A man went to the mall this last week to buy Valentines’ cards for
his daughter and mother. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of
cards astounded him. He muttered out loud, “I wonder if they have
anything for ex-wives.”
The clerk behind the counter said, “Oh, yes sir, they do have an
‘ex’ category, but they’re in Sporting Goods.”
“Really?”
“Yes sir. They’re called darts.”
______________________________________
Who those I have loved and hurt and nice to me happy VALENTINE and may love shine on you...

[brian eiland]

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.'

Second guy: 'That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.'

Third guy: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.'



They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him. 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.What's the deal?'

Fourth guy: 'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:

'Fishing or Sex?' and she said: 'Wear sun-block..'

[Fanie]

Police emergency service gets a call
Help, a cat just climbed through the window !
What do you mean a 'cat' ?
Yes, a CAT !!! And it's coming for me !
Is this a joke ?
Noooo Heeellllpppp !!!
With who am I speaking ?
Polly the parrot !

[Fanie]

+ve attitude!!!

Father: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son: 'I will choose my own bride!'
Father: 'But the girl is Bill Gate’s daughter.'
Son: 'Well, in that case...ok'


Next Day Father approaches Bill Gates.
Father: 'I have a husband for your daughter.'
Bill Gates: 'But my daughter is too young to marry!'
Father: 'But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.'
Bill Gates: 'Ah, in that case...ok'


Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Father: 'I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.. '
President: 'But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!'
Father: 'But this young man is Bill Gate’s son-in-law.'
President: 'Ah, in that case...ok'

This is how business is done!!

Originally Posted by Fanie

+ve attitude!!!

This is how business is done!!

You´re not looking for a new stepfather???

[Fanie]

Son what is the difference between a fanny and a cnut ?
Dad see this here playboy ?
Son yes
Dad well, under this star is a fanny and the one who put it there is a cnut !

[Fanie]

New warning on our liquor bottles-
It can lead to intoxication,
addiction,
liver disorder,
impaired speech,
poor judgment,
crime,
and a post in the za government.

[Fanie]

A new cookbook is out in za.

All the recipies start with
'Take two stolen chickens...'

[Fanie]

Portugese shop owner on his death bed -

Maria... my wife... are you here ?

Yes my husband, I am here.

Daughter... are you here...

Yes father

Son.... are you here....

Yes father

The who the fcuk is tending the shop !!!

[Fanie]

What do you get when you hold two small balls in your hand ?



A man's undevided attention

[Fanie]

Two blonds driving past a mine.

What is that stench ? asks one.

Mine says the other

Thank goodnes says the first, I though it was mine.

[Fanie]

People in SA must really stop being so negative. The anc is going to transform it into a paradise. Everyone here is going to walk out of this without a thing to cover his butt.

[Fanie]

You know you live in Brakpan, SA when -

you allow your 14 year old daughter to smoke at the dining table
in front of her childen

You have been married three trimes and you still have the same inlaws

Jack Daniels is your role model

Your children think Captain Morgan is a distant relative

[Fanie]

My sex life has already improved considerably since the start of 2009.

Everyone fcuks me around.