BOAT JOKES (we need a few laughs)

[Fanie]

It's the only thing keeps mind and soul togethere

[masalai]

That little girl with an orange trim & M logo of "macdonalds"?, has one bloody ugly head - thank goodness one does not - well U can guess the rest....

Fanie, Is that a new brand of toothpaste? - or - glue? - or - hair creme/gel?... What has that got to do with keeping mind & soul together?

[the1much]

i would rather "grams" cook my burger then those half wits they usually hire.

[Fanie]

Don't pretend you guys there in .au doesn't know what ky is. If you tell me you brush your teeth with it then I will believe you, but I don't believe you don't know what it is

He he... you asked for it

[masalai]

Fanie, Go brush your teeth with it you dirty old man you

[fraggin]

A pirate hobbles into a bar with his ships wheel shoved down the front of his pants. He awkwardly approaches the bar and the bartender says.....

"Ahoy, there's a helm in your pants"....

The pirate replies....

"Arrrrr May Tee...... It's Driving me nuts....."

[Fanie]

Bloody women drivers!!

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This morning on the Freeway,
I looked over to my left and there was a
Woman in a brand new Holden Calais doing 110 kms per hr
with her face up next to her rear view mirror
putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds !

And when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane,

Still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily.

But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver,
which knocked the meat pie out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car
Using my knees against the steering wheel,
It knocked my Mobile phone away from my ear
Which fell into the coffee between my legs,

Splashed, and burned big Jim and the Twins,
Ruined the darn phone,
Soaked my trousers,
And disconnected an important call.


Bloody women drivers!!

[the1much]

big Jim always gets the hot end of the deal

[Fanie]

Not always, Jim

Two hunters went moose hunting every while without success. Finally,they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.

When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, 'Okay, lets go out and get him'. After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, 'the zipper is stuck'. What are we going to do ?

The guy in the front says, 'Well,im going to start nibbling, but you'd better brace yourself'!!!!!

[Fanie]

I guess the guy in the back got a cold shoulder eh !

[Fanie]

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, ?If I died, would you get another dog??

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

[Fanie]

There was a blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes and decided to dye her hair brown. She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across a road.

She asked the shepherd, 'If i guess how many sheep there are here,can i keep one'.

He replied 'SURE'.

Out of the blue, she blurts out, '352'.

He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She looks and searches and finally picks the cutest one.

He looks at her and says, 'If i guess what colour your hair really is, can i have my dog back'

[RHP]

Milwaukee Man Shoots Lawn Mower - Associated Press

MILWAUKEE - Keith Walendowski is charged with using a sawed-off shotgun to shoot his lawn mower after it would not start.

According to the criminal complaint, Walendowski admitted he shot the Lawn Boy. He tried to defend his actions by telling police, "It's my lawn mower and my yard, so I can shoot it if I want." He indicated to police that he was angry because the mower would not start.

Shooting the mower is considered a crime - disorderly conduct while armed. The most serious charge, however, is for the gun Walendowski is accused of using. It is illegal to posses a sawed-off shotgun.

Witnesses told police Walendowski was drinking before the incident. The criminal complaint indicates police observed him to be intoxicated.

Neighbors in the 3500 block of S. Austin Street heard the gunfire. "Well it seems strange - but he's a strange guy with his drinking," said Donna Kadow who lives next-door.

Walendowski is 56-years-old. Court records show he does not have a criminal record.

If convicted, Walendowski faces up to 90 days of imprisonment for the disorderly conduct charge. He faces up to six years of imprisonment if convicted of being in possession of a sawed-off shotgun.

Neighbors say Walendowski is not violent. "He has never hurt nobody," Kadow said.

http://www.todaystmj4.com/news/local/25902654.html

[masalai]

Is that a case of "Only in America"? - - - Something/one does not fall in line with your thinking so SHOOT THE BASTARD.... - first, before he/it shoots you

[Fanie]

Pilot announces the plane is going to crash.

A female looker jumps up and announces she's not ready to die yet, she wants to feel like a REAL woman once more before she dies and she wants a MAN right now.

Guy in the back gets up, sexily takes his shirt off and hand it to her

Here... iron this.