BOAT JOKES (we need a few laughs)

[the1much]

if i had 1 peck of clams and you had 2 pecks of clams,,,,what would that make you?,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
a peck-ahead.

[masalai]

If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, how many peppers did Peter Piper pick?

Say that faster and faster and time your best and post the time somewhere else....

[Fanie]

Originally Posted by Meanz Beanz

yech........

The other morning I took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the hell?" I said to myself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when I shook them out. "April," I hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?" She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'."

You're lucky ! Mine puts 'Stay Soft' in my bath water

...it stated as a black head on my foot

he he...

Say that faster and faster and time your best and post the time somewhere else....

Geez masalai, we played those just after we learned to speak But to equal your joke what did the one tonsil say to the other ? Dress up, the doctor is taking us out

Musquito's peppered two bums so badly they had to cover themselves completely with newspapers one night. One peeked through a hole in the newspaper he was under and saw a firefly. It's not helping any he shouted to his buddy, now they're after us with lights !

[Fanie]

Were there any famous men born in this town ?

Nope, only babies...

[Fanie]

He he... We have places that is so dry there are frogs 5 years old that cannot swim The now learn with correspondence lessons.

One of the guys there passed out first time he saw rain... took 3 bags of sand to bring him to...

The babies just get dusted.

Tha maize cropp was so big... the grasshoppers had to stand on their knees to reach the...

[Fanie]

They now have doggy bones that has 'post man's leg' flavour...

[Fanie]

Used to live in a town called Potchefstroom when I was a kid... 14 years there, that's how I know global warming is a jo-jo... used to ho -3 to -6 degrees there in winter. Then they preached the ice age was comming.

Anyway. Old guy letting off water. Young bloke next to him asks what the "oom" tatood on his d2ck was. Old guy said sonny, when I was your age the tatoo used to be "The Disselboom of Potchefstroom"

For those of you who doesn't know what a disselboom is, it's kind of the prop shaft of an ox wagon For those of you don't know what a prop shaft is, it's a big heavy thing. Enough details

[safewalrus]

Oh oh bloody voortrekker! here we go bit of the old commando coming out!

[westlawn5554X]

(Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers)
Note: For those that don't know, "The Sled"is the SR-71 Blackbird spy plane from the 1960's and still the fastest airplane.

In his book, "Sled Driver", SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes: "I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope.

I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed."90 knots" Center replied. Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same. "120 knots,"
Center answered. We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout." There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty." Another silent pause.
As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison. "Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?" There was a longer than normal pause.... "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots" (That's about 2004.658 mph who don't know)
No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.
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In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 600 (60,000ft). The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?
The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go up to it; we plan to go down to it." He was cleared.
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The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator,
"Do you know what I use this for?"
The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?" The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"
The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.
The pilot asked, "What's that for?" "To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
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When Hillary Clinton visited Iraq last month the Army Blackhawk helicopter used to transport the Senator was given the call sign "broomstick one". And they say the Army has no sense of humor!
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Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

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Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff line of aircraft "I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your lastknown position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted:

"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

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There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked".

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach"

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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7, did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.


Some quick-wittedcomedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'd have enough parts for another one."

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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

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While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there.
I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up!
It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I
tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[Fanie]

Very nice West Lawn. Dunno where you from, but it sounds like the white house...

[maineshrinkwrap]

Originally Posted by VKRUE

This was sent to me by a good friend who insisted that as he read it he couldn't help but think of me.... After recieving this (and reading it), I emailed him back asking: "Thinking of me ay ! So then, what were you thinking with regard to MY WIFE" ?

Joe and John were identical twins.
Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.

Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly.
When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery store. A kind old neighbor woman mistook him for John and said:
"I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible".

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.

I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The darn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle!"

The old woman fainted.

very very funny!!!!

[safewalrus]

Originally Posted by Fanie

Very nice West Lawn. Dunno where you from, but it sounds like the white house...

To use the venicular

"Interogative White house"

[Fanie]

Eh Wally, I'm sure the 'white house' must have a north lawn, south lawn east lawn and of course, a West Lawn, known to us all here

[maineshrinkwrap]

sick is right!

- Maine Shrinkwrap

[masalai]

Maine Shrinkwrap, Do you mean "sic" as in literal spelling? or are we all still playing with puns?