BOAT JOKES (we need a few laughs)

[Bergalia]

Yes, a reasonable trip thanks Tim. You'll see from another thread that the weather has been pretty hairy along the east coast. It worsened as we travelled northwards towards Sydney. Roads flooded, cars off the road, Aboriginal uprisings, and soggy chips at the local 'Greasy Spoon'...Life is hell. The only good part was that my wife has indulged herself in a GPS for her car and insisted on bringing it along in my 'Disco'. (As though I didn't know the road anyway). But the three passengers (wife and two daughters) spent the whole journey crouching over the screen...."A left hand turn coming up dad...." "Yes dear, so I see..." "Anoher turning on the right dad...but you don't need that one..." ....."Yes dear, I know that...." "Traffic lights coming up dad...."..."Yes dear, so I see...."....."There's a bridge up ahead dear (the wife)..."...."Yes, my sweet...I think we'll go over it shall we...."
Couple this with a bloody voice from the machine telling me..."Your turning is 900 metres ahead...prepare to turn...." etc etc etc.
But yes, Tim. Not a bad trip.

[timgoz]

Berg,

Always seems its the eventfull trips, usually the ones with much adversity, that we have the most vivid memories of. Somehow the bad events don't seem as bad with the seasoning of time.

The GPS units that are built into the car are troublesome to me, especially for a solo driver. With cell phones, steroes that need tending to, ect... All you need is to encounter someone with thier face glued to the GPS screen.

The best scenerio would be if they would shut down the screen while the vehicle is in motion. Leave the audio. But if they need to consult the screen, pull off.

Used to travel with a preacher friend who would have the open road atlas on his lap and his eyes on the atlas. Usually he was speeding to. Finally had to "really" call him on his recklesness. He modified his behaviour.

Least you had a "navigator" onboard.

Read in the AM paper about the severe flooding & such in Newcastle. Hope things improve for you all. Boat.

Tim

[safewalrus]

Cheer up Max apparantly with great age comes deafness - can't hear the nagging wife - I can hardly wait! Luckily all mine are boys, and total wastrals at that so we rarely go anywhere together (except the pub!! )

[Bergalia]

I suppose a duck could pass as a nautical object ?

Q: Why do ducks have webbed feet ?
A: To stamp on fires......

Q: Why do elephants have flat feet ?
A: To stamp on burning ducks......


OK Jeff, I'll leave now........

[charmc]

Bill and Harry, two old sailing friends, met in a bar and sat up late comparing experiences.

"I finally met the perfect woman last year, in the Caribbean," said Bill. "She was looking for a ride and I was sailing that way, so I offered her a lift. She turned out to be expert crew, changed sails easily, navigated better than I did. We caught the prop on some drifting fishnet, and she went overboard and cleared it before I could. She offered to cook, and it was gourmet quality. After dinner we sat under the stars and talked philosophy; she quoted many of the classics. Did I tell you she was beautiful? She came into my bunk and we made passionate love. She turned out to be everything I ever wanted in a woman. I tell you, she's perfect!"

"So when do I meet her?", asked Harry, "Are you going to marry her?"

"She's gone", said Bill. "I asked her to marry me, but she said no and left."

"Why?", asked Harry.

"She was looking for the perfect man."

[Guillermo]

Originally Posted by charmc

"She was looking for the perfect man."

Then I anticipate she died single. Or, on the other hand, she was not that clever after all. As there is no such a thing as the perfect man, perfect women tend to marry perfect very rich stupids.

[charmc]

So Guillermo, you're saying great wealth makes up for lack of perfection?

Might be true ... I wouldn't know, as I lack both!

[SouthernCross]

Got this off another forum....



One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it,I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.

She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally
said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!" I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

[Bergalia]

Might have been better to have left it on the other forum.....

[Guillermo]

Originally Posted by charmc

So Guillermo, you're saying great wealth makes up for lack of perfection?...

Nope...!
What I'm saying is perfect women do not tend to marry guys like me....

[SouthernCross]

Originally Posted by Bergalia

Might have been better to have left it on the other forum.....

hmmm must be wrong audience. there's nothing wrong with the joke....

[VKRUE]

You just interupted a couple of old salts' in their badgering of one another....... that's all.

Other than that... Great joke.

One that I'll print off and take to work for the guys in the morning

[Bergalia]

An old seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the talk turns to their adventures. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "How did you end up with the peg leg?" he asks.

The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" says the seaman. "What about your hook?"

"Well," answers the pirate, "we were boarding a ship when one of the enemy hacked off my hand."

"Incredible!" says the seaman. "How’d you get the eye patch?"

"A seagull **** in my eye," the pirate replies.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the seaman asks.

"Well," says the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."

[Bergalia]

I say, I say, I say.....

Did you hear about the time Walrus took a trip to Australia - he was sitting in a small outback bar when an Aborigine sat down beside him and started to chat. "Tell you what blue - let's have a little game. I'll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't then you buy me one. OK?"

Walrus grunted, “Sounds OK”

The Aborigine says "My father and mother had only one child. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"

Walrus scratched his head, and after a while admitted - "I give up. Who was it?"

"It was ME," grinned the Aborigine.

So Walrus paid for the drinks.

Back home in Cornwall Walrus returns to his ‘local’ and spots a group of his old mates. "Charlie," he says, "I’ve got a game. If you can answer a question, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't, you have to buy me one. Fair enough?"

"Fair enough," says Charlie.

"OK," says Walrus "my father and mother had only one child. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"

Charie frowns and gazes at his feet, then at the ceiling. At last - "I give up, who was it?"

Walrus slaps his thigh and laughs - "It was this Aborigine guy I met in outback Australia....”

[charmc]

For both!